Who made the mousetrap?
Hiram Maxim made the mousetrap.
Hiram had a great creative mind.
In 1881 Hiram visited the Paris Electrical Exhibition.
Hiram did. He invented the world’s first automatic portable machine-gun.
It could fire 500 rounds a minute, as much as 100 rifles.
Hiram’s invention was soon used in Africa with marvelous results.
A small group of brave English soldiers could employ
Thousands could be slaughtered in an astonishingly
Queen Victoria was much impressed with this American inventor
She made him a knight.
Hiram kept improving his invention.
It was a complicated business.
But Hiram was quite ingenious.
When they were ready for their Great War,
It made a brilliant addition to a pointless conflict
Hiram also invented a light bulb, a flying machine
But his most famous invention would be his apparatus
Even the mousetrap,
while quite wonderful,
could not compete.
It’s insane to go anywhere these days
without a reliable weapon.
But with so many awkward and ungainly choices,
how does one find something suitably chic?
Taser International has the answer.
Its team of top artists and designers have created
stylish tasers for the discerning eye.
Check out this sporty pink number, ladies.
Taser International made it just for you.
Sleek, stylish and, best yet…
…a little squeeze sends 50,000 volts of electric shock
to confound any villain.
Simply ideal for the fashion-forward crowd.
The taser design, with its svelte yet sensuous contours,
has also begun to integrate more organic motifs.
A powerful reminder of man’s unity with all living things.
With such a high level of aesthetics, the taser is becoming an
objet d’art. What else in your collection can reduce
someone to a writhing bowl of jelly?
Could the taser designers display their work at MOMA or the Louvre?
Of course they could.
But these artists are dedicated to the transformation of everyday culture.
They toil so that we may live full lives of creative imagination.
And now they’ve dreamt up something truly new and marvelous.
Behold the Taser Music Player Holster, which holds
your favorite taser and an MP3 player.
Everyone knows it’s most unpleasant when you tase a man
and he starts screaming like a little child.
Now you can remain blissfully oblivious to his blood-curdling cries
as you groove to the musical stylings of Phil Collins.
It’s a Taser International motto: “Mixing Music with Security.”
Want to subdue an unruly questioner at a political event?
Just set the volume high for your fave tunes
to drown out any silly “Don’t Touch me Bro!”
or “Please, God, no, no!!”
and then tase, tase, tase away!
We admit it.
Our harsh denunciation last year of tasers was wildly flawed.
We displayed evidence showing that tasers were dangerous
and frequently misused by poorly trained police and security guards.
As if that really mattered.
We ignored the beauty of it all and in so doing, failed in our role as artists:
Serving those who depend on us.